I started modeling back in January 2009.  I still vividly remember my first photo shoot.  I saw an ad on Craigslist about an upcoming shoot with the local photography club.  They were still looking for models, so, I thought, "Why not?"  It never even occurred to me that I might be just a tad bit different from the other models who applied.  I had tattoos, piercings, and my hair was dyed unnaturally...  The dress I picked out was a black, vinyl ballgown and the shoes were Mary Jane platforms.  I looked around me and the difference was obvious.  One model had an actual black ball gown and looked very glamorous.  Two others had on short dresses and looked as if they were ready to go clubbing.  The other remarkable difference was the four or so photographers who were swarming all over me. That was totally unexpected!  After all, I didn't think of myself as conventionally pretty, but it dawned on me that maybe they have had enough of that.  They wanted something different to photograph.

After that day, I was dead set on modeling.  I had something these photographers wanted, obviously.  After all, I received offers to shoot again.  One photographer told me to join Model Mayhem and the rest is pretty much history!  Though those were amazing days for me, I still wanted something else in my life...  A family.  I had a husband already...  But what about children?  I knew I really wanted to be a mother, but I suppose I didn't fully think through all of the consequences of what that would bring.

I became pregnant for the third time (the first two were lost to miscarriages) in January 2011.  My husband and I were ecstatic!  Sure, it was unplanned, being only two weeks or so after our wedding, but we were on top of the world.  Unfortunately, I lost that baby, too, shortly after.  I fell into a deep depression and quit modeling for a while.

On Mother's Day of this year, I found out I was pregnant again.  There was no happiness, no excited calls back to family members, none of that.  We just stood there in the bathroom, gazing over the positive test.  Still groggy from sleep, we did share one hug, as if to prepare for the disappointment and pain ahead.

Weeks went by...  They turned into months...  There were a few ER visits along the way, but nothing catastrophic was happening.  I saw my baby's heart beating, I heard it soon after, too...  I made it into the second trimester...  I saw my baby many, many times bigger than before.  I could see a face, legs, arms, kicking motions (though, I couldn't feel them, yet.)  We had a 3D ultrasound, found out that we were going to have a little girl...  I felt her kick, then, soon after, my husband did.  More weeks went by and they were uneventful.  We were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief and, more importantly, we were able to become attached.

During this process, I wasn't able to shake my depression.  My depression took on a different form.  Instead of depression over losing a baby, it was depression over losing my body.  After all, my body had pretty much become my identity.  I had heard many mixed things about how people viewed a pregnant body.  Some thought it was sexy, some thought it to be beautiful, some thought it disgusting...

After many words of encouragement from friends and family, I decided it was time to get back into modeling.  I figured I would not be hurt too badly if I didn't get many offers.  I wasn't expecting much.  However, to my surprise, many photographers loved the idea of a maternity shoot where the rules were more flexible and the model was unconventional.  On the other hand, there were still the photographers who wanted to wrap me in a sheet and put me on the beach.  (No whale jokes, please!  Haha!)  I humored them, just to get back into the swing of things.

Though I may not be the same: my tummy is not flat, my chest not as perky (but it did grow 6")...  That doesn't mean I can't still be an alternative model.  I'll just take everyone's conventional views on pregnancy and bust them all.  With the help of a few willing photographers, of course.  After the baby is here, who knows where I will go.  I hear latex is slimming ;)

Photo from my first shoot.

Credits:
Jerald Seeley
MUA- Yuyi Ruiz